On Gossamer Wings part 142

[krystalkatz.livejournal.com]

Kazu sat on the deck with his legs crossed under him, glad of the fresh air that was blowing against his face. The tablet had helped calm down the sickness but now he had nerves inside of him as he looked at his biological mother who was leaning against the metal railing her face right in the wind her hair whipping out around her gently like a black cape before she turned to look at him flashing him a delicate smile as she came over to him and sat down tucking her own legs under her body and resting her hands on her knees. Kazu swallowed down a lump and then sighed trying to stop the nerves from consuming him as he cleared his throat saying;

“Um…You…You told Sato that you are in love with him?”

“What?! No! He told you that?!” Kazuko shouted her voice ringing around the marina startling some of the seabirds that had been perched on the neighbouring boats. Kazu gave a frown chewing on the inside of his cheek as he realised that Ohno had been teasing him “I can honestly say that I didn’t tell Satoshi that I was in love with him…”

“He was teasing me…” Kazu muttered sighing heavily as he ran his fingers over the deck flushing a little more brightly. Kazuko stared at him long and hard for what seemed like a very long time before she whispered;

“I can’t believe…I mean…I always hoped…I thought for sure that you would be alive…” Kazu swallowed slowly his heart fluttering around in his rib cage. There was a dull ache in his chest and stomach. It hadn’t been there with Jun but he knew that was because his biological father hadn’t known about him. Kazuko had, she had carried him inside of her for nine months and then given him away. He had had a perfectly happy life with the Aiba’s and there wasn’t a moment that he would change but this was the question that he had wanted to be answered ever since he had first seen the painting of gossamer wings. Kazuko shifted forwards and gripped at his hand holding it tightly so their fingers were linked in a tight little squeeze “…It wasn’t easy…To let you go...I held you for hours in that hospital…You…You were a quiet baby…When you came out…You were so quiet that they thought that there was something wrong with you…But the moment they handed you to me…You cried…They told me that I shouldn’t hold you…or even name you…But…I couldn’t help it…You were perfect…”

“…My mum said I had a big head…” Kazu mumbled with a very small smile. It was probably a harsh thing for him to say but he could remember that clearly at that moment. Kazuko’s smile almost faulted but she kept it on her lips nodding slowly.

“The midwife said the same…I suppose…That’s why you took almost a full day to come out…I always thought…I always thought it was because you knew…You knew that when you got here…We would separate...” She whispered her free hand going to the pendent that she was wearing. It was clear that it spelt out his name now and when she touched a small part of it, it swung open to reveal a small lock of hair and the tiniest of photographs of a horrible wrinkled looking baby that he barely recognised as being himself. “You had a full head of hair when you were born…I took this and the photo and then I left you…The thing is…I’m not sorry I did…I would have been a horrible mother back then…I had so much that I wanted to do, places that I wanted to see…And if I had kept you I couldn’t have done any of them…I would have resented you…But…I never forgot about you…Or that one day I got to spend with you…I will never be your mum…But I do love you…And I am happy that you are happy…”

TBC
A/N: I am unsure about Kazuko’s speech, I wrote it and re-wrote it a thousand times and I think it is too emotional but I hope that it was okay >.<