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Nino opened his eyes with a gasp. His body cold from the nightmare that was clinging to him. Tears ran down his face as he pulled his way out of Satoshi’s arms. Tiptoeing he made his way to the bathroom and locked the door. His face was lit up by the harsh glow of the light above him and he stared at his reflection in the mirror. His face was pale shadows deep under each eye. His fingers clawed at his arm as he dropped down onto the cold floor. His mind was numb lost in the memories that had come with the dream. Completely unaware of what he was doing he grabbed a razor from the side of the sink and pressed it against his arm slashing slowly back and forth until it caught the lumpy skin of his scar and he pressed into it harder and harder until the skin split and a ribbon of blood made a lazy river down over his skin. The pain that came was slight and yet it was enough to allow him to feel relaxed. He looked down at the blood turning his arm this way and that causing the blood to zigzag around his arm.
“Nino? Are you okay, Sparkles?” Satoshi’s voice was loud against the door and it was enough to snap Nino out of his daze like state jumping up from the floor he grabbed some tissue and pressed it to his arm. Shame filled through him as it always did as he tried to understand why he had done it. “Nino?”
“I’m...I’m on the toilet...I...I’ll be out in a minute...” Nino said almost panicking as he realised that the blood wasn’t stopping. The cut was deeper than he had though it was. The tissue that had used was scarlet now and the blood was still coming. The door of the bathroom was pushed against over and over until the lock gave and the wood split. “I’m fine...I’m fine...”
“I’m...I’m on the toilet...I...I’ll be out in a minute...” Nino said almost panicking as he realised that the blood wasn’t stopping. The cut was deeper than he had though it was. The tissue that had used was scarlet now and the blood was still coming. The door of the bathroom was pushed against over and over until the lock gave and the wood split. “I’m fine...I’m fine...”
“Sparkles...” Satoshi sighed ever so slightly darting forward and taking over the care of his arm. Nino couldn’t bring himself to look at his boyfriend shame coiling around in his stomach. Instead of tissue Satoshi took one of the clean towels from the rack and held it against his skin while looking at the wound. “This is pretty deep sparkles, I think...It’s gonna need stitches...”
“No! It’s fine! It...” Nino panicked scared that if he went to the hospital for stitches he would have to stay in. It wasn’t a suicide attempt not really, he hadn’t been thinking. The dream had just messed him up and he had been stupid. It wasn’t fair, he had been happy before he had gone to sleep. He had been completely and utterly happy and then he had had that stupid dream. He knew that it was also down to not being on his medication. His doctor had told him that the medication he had been on wasn’t good for the baby and he had agreed to come off it but dramatic shifts in mood and feeling low was a major side effect of the weaning process.
“Sparkles, please...I won’t let them keep you in. But this needs to be treated or it could get in infected...” Satoshi explained and Nino sighed giving a tiny nod closing his eyes and allowing Satoshi to tie the towel around him before ringing for a taxi. Nino headed into the living room and sat down on the sofa tears of shame filling his eyes now as he whispered;
“I’m sorry...I just...I was so happy...And then...I had a dream...I didn’t...It wasn’t planned...I wasn’t trying to kill myself...”
“Sparkles, I’m not judging you” Satoshi said coming down to kneel in front of him. His fingers wiped away the tears from his cheeks and then pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “I just wish...I wish that you had woken me instead...”
“I’m sorry...I wasn’t even thinking, I never do...I just react...I can’t explain it...” Nino sighed his arm burning with pain from the cut. “I was happy, happier than I’ve been for ages...And then...I’m sorry...”
“It’s okay, Sparkles, the doctor, she warned us that something like this might happen” Satoshi hummed in a soothing way his hand tracing down the side of his cheek.
“I don’t like it...I hate needing pills to be normal...I hate not being normal” Nino sobbed loudly his body trembling as Satoshi held him tightly, holding him against his chest Satoshi hummed gently and rocked him from side to side. “Why can’t I just be normal?”
“...Because you have been through so much in your life...” Satoshi told him as the bell on the door rang brightly. Nino jumped before realising that it would be the taxi driver. “Come on, Sparkles”
“...Ung...Don’t let them keep me in...Please...I will be okay...” Nino begged and Satoshi nodded pressing a kiss to his temple before leading him out of the apartment.
*+*+*+*
Three hours later Nino and Satoshi came back into the apartment. A thick bandage was wrapped around his arm and he had a package of pain killers. The staff at the hospital had been reluctant to let him go but Satoshi had promised them that he would inform his doctor in the morning and get an appointment.
“Tired?” Satoshi asked and Nino nodded but a glance at the clock told him that there was only an hour before he had to go into work. He supposed that Jun would allow him to take the day off but Nino wanted to go in and sort out the new system. “You should call in sick...”
“I don’t want to, Matsumoto gave me this job and I want to prove that I can do it” Nino mumbled dropping down into his favourite seat and lay his head down on the arm rest. Satoshi came up beside him and Nino looked up at him with a weak smile on his face. “Are you still sure you want to be with me? And my messed up head?”
“I’ve never been more positive” Satoshi answered lightly stroking the bandage around his arm before kissing his cheek and saying “I love you, get some rest I will wake you before you have to go in”
“What about you?”
“I can sleep all day, for now, I want to continue working on the babies bedroom...” Satoshi answered picking up his sketchbook again and Nino gave a sleepy smile drifting off to sleep with his dreams filled of bunny rabbits and babies sitting in a field of flowers. It was a nicer dream than the other he had had that night and Nino woke when Satoshi shook him thinking that maybe it was going to be okay.
TBC
A/N: I hope that this is okay ^_^